Things seem to be going well right now in many ways. There’s actually someone that I think might be into me and that I might be into. I’m playing things slow and easy right now, just letting things happen at their own pace and see where they lead. If it works out, great, and if it doesn’t, oh well, though I admit I am hoping for the former.
Being back in this sort of situation however has pointed out some things to me that I never looked at all that closely in the past. Namely, my head and my heart tend to be at odds with each other, when left to myself.
I think a lot of this comes back to the way my personality is. Besides anything draconic, I’m a engineer; a problem-solver. I analyze problems, and look logically at what’s going on and why. It’s part of why my favorite toys growing up were things like Legos and Transformers, and why when I started working I gravitated towards troubleshooting.
Okay, maybe I don’t 100% work off logic, as sometimes my intuition will kick in and get me to a solution even if I can’t quite articulate how I came up with it, but close enough for government work, as the saying goes.
Anyways, it’s all fine and dandy in the professional world, but my mind is one of those that only seems to have two gears: idle and GO. So, when sitting around with nothing specific, it tends to wander to random subjects, and off kicks the analyzer. Again, not an issue if I’m working on a story I’m writing or trying to figure out some point of something I’ve read recently. NOT a good thing however if my mind wanders towards things I’m emotionally involved with.
That’s where the second part kicks in. I’m not sure whether it’s just some small masochistic part of me, or it comes from that engineering background where you have to examine all possible outcomes and risks, but I’ve tended to worry at times over various things. Did I lock the door when I left? Is there something I forgot or am forgetting that I needed to do? Harmless with minor things, but not a good idea when applied to matters of the heart.
So this time, I’m actively working to keep that in check. I’m sure I’ve made mistakes in the past with some of my ex-gfs due to this, but I don’t intend to anymore. Life is too short to spend worrying myself over imagined things, when there’s plenty of good things and people right there in front of me. If things don’t work out this time, it damn well won’t be because I let my head dictate terms to my heart.
On the other hand, I’m not the kid I was at 18, when I let my feelings blind me to everything until I got the proverbial bap on the nose with a newspaper. Going to the opposite extreme is just as bad, as it can easily lead to heartache and being walked on more often than the doormat in front of the Sears tower. My heart won’t be leading my head around on a leash either.
Instead, what I need to find and keep is a balance between the two. Thoughts and feelings, working in harmony. Sounds nice, but it’s a bit harder than you’d think, and I don’t mean only me. Emotion overriding logic is why we can end up with crazy laws/lawmakers, but pure logic leads to neglecting the personal sides of matters.
So where am I going with this? I dunno, but writing it out tends to help me think through things like this without going into a descending spiral of navel-gazing. Putting it in order for other people helps me put it in order for myself, sometimes.
Sometimes, all we need to do is just to take a long, hard look at ourselves and recognize where we need to grow. Then, do so. It may not be simple, and it may not be easy, but the rewards can be worth it.