Archive for April 2014

An Adult Touch

Well, the piece of adult art I was waiting for has been finished, and no I won’t be posting it here.  It has been posted in my art galleries though, if anyone is interested in it.

It brings to mind some interesting discussion, however; one that I’m still having with myself, to some extent.  Why adult art?  Should  I share it or not?  Is it liberating, demeaning, or something else?  Does it trivialize how I feel about myself if I’m having art created flashing the goods to all and sundry? How does it compare to clean art?

To answer the first question, my dragon self is myself.  For me, it encompasses every aspect of my being, which, yes, does include the sexual parts as well.  If I were to somehow become my dragon self, I wouldn’t suddenly be sexless, and so it makes a sort of sense to explore that as well.

I feel I should probably clarify here as well.  Yes, I am straight, and attracted to human women.  Yes, I know dragons don’t exist physically currently.  If they suddenly did, no I wouldn’t want to go make out with one, especially if they weren’t sentient.  Now, if I had become a dragon too, through whatever had brought them into being?  In that case, all bets are off.

I’d guess I really started thinking about it back when I had a dragonkin girlfriend for a short while.  Suffice it to say that before we broke up we explored our draconity with each other and leave it at that.  Either way, certain, ah, body parts were involved, which meant I had to explore that side and figure out what I had down there.  And then of course, when I finally got a reference sheet drawn, it seemed a natural step to get an adult version as well as a clean version, just in case I ever needed it.  After all, in the end it’s just another part of my body like any other.

Of course after I got the reference sheets, it was years before I actually got any further art, in large part due to monetary constraints.  When I started getting pictures again, I found myself debating this topic once more.  In large part, I was considering getting an adult piece from Asyd, but I wanted to see how I’d look in her style first, hence the picture I did actually get.  I do have to admit I was also a bit uncertain about getting one done in general, but I did like the way her style works with those.

When I saw how busy she actually was though, I gave up on the idea for a bit – at least until my muse slapped me upside the head with an image I wanted to see done.  With her off the table, I had to go artist shopping again to find one who had a style I liked and was available.  The first artist I found actually was otherwise occupied, but shortly after Syrinoth opened up and I jumped on it in time to snag the slot.

It was a bit longer wait than I expected, but the end picture was worth it, and then I was faced with whether to share it or not.  Just like in the picture, where I had mixed feelings on showing “myself” off(and he did a great job on the expression to show this!), I had the exact same feelings on putting the picture itself out there.  Especially as there are a few folk who know me elsewhere who watch my FA, and I wasn’t sure what they’d think of it.

In the end, I decided to run with it(as I’m expecting it to show up in the artist’s gallery as well at some point), but with a disclaimer not to expect a lot of adult art, as I have mixed feelings on it in general.  I do know I will be getting at least one more piece though, as my muse spoke up again with another picture idea that I need to make a reality, though it will probably be a while as the artist I’m looking to have draw it is busy with school currently.

Part of what inclines me towards it is I think I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak, and this is a “safe” way to indulge that. Kinda ironic, given how shy I can be at times.. or maybe it’s because of that?  That same shyness though is what disinclines me to sharing it publically in any fashion.  If I followed that train of thought however, what would I do with it?  My potential future girlfriend isn’t ‘kin or a furry, as far as I know, and it’s not like I’d want to put it up on my walls anywhere.  Art that isn’t being viewed is art that is wasted, and  I wouldn’t want good art to be lost to the void, whatever the content.  Thus, the posting of this, and the one I have in the queue.

Another thing to note though is I am far from alone in this.  There are many, many dragons out there who have gotten adult art of themselves, or of themselves and a friend/mate mounting or being mounted.  They’re proud of their draconic forms(as I am) and aren’t afraid to show it off.  In some cases, it also acts as a proxy too; a way to express themselves and perform in ways they are unable to in the real world for various reasons.  In other cases, it’s merely a release or an ego boost for them, for similar reasons to those of some people that have mass amounts of one-night-stands. (Honestly, this is the artistic equivalent.)  And in yet others, it’s just a way to show to the world how they feel about each other(as in the case of a pair of dragon artists I’ve mentioned in previous entries).

In my case, I’ve gotten art from most of the artists I wanted art from, so now it’s just waiting for when my muse prods my brain with an image to make real, whether adult or otherwise.  However, since it is me in those pictures, there’s not going to be any art of myself making out with anyone else, unless it’s someone I care deeply about and they actually want such art done.  Whatever my faults and sexual inclinations, one thing I am is loyal to whomever holds my heart.  Even if they didn’t care, to me it’d feel like a betrayal if I were to get art of myself “laying” with anyone else’s characters.

On top of that, I’ve never felt any inclination to make up a character for myself to “play” with, as it’d feel just as fake as the various “waifus” some crowds will fawn over.  The closest I’ve ever come to that is a couple stories I wrote where I had characters being dangerously close to self-inserts(I’m sure given that information any readers could probably pick out which ones too.), but in the end those were still just characters, not a true avatar of myself.

I’m sure there will be some folks though who will still think I’m debasing myself, and to them I say pfff. Humans(and that includes draconic humans!) are by nature sexual creatures and being ashamed of that is like being ashamed of liking meat- if that’s your thing, go for it! Does it matter what you like or do, if it hurts no one else?  Of course, I’m sure there’s someone out there now who found my picture and is busy fantasizing about it, but that’s their problem and as long as they don’t get all up in my face, it’s all on them.  I’m not on the hunt for a mate anymore, as I have someone I care about now, so it’s not like I’m flashing myself to get companions or lovers.  I’m just… er… letting it all hang out?

Finally, there is something nice about getting art of oneself in general, no matter the content.  It’s like taking another piece of that innermost self and bringing it into the real world, as much as one can at least.  I guess one way to put it is that it’s like a selfie of the soul.  It encapsulates a moment, a emotion, a feeling, and reveals it to the world.  It sucks you in, and lets you live for a brief instant as what you truly are.  The clean art lets me express the more public aspects of my dragon self, while the adult ones reveal the more personal, more instinctual desires and needs that are still just as much a part of me as any other.

I am not speaking for all ‘kin, or even a large portion, but for me, that’s what the art means to me.  That’s what pushed me to follow through on my muse’s urgings and my personal inclinations..  It’s just another expression of my multifaceted self, and the dragon at the core of my very being.

And no, I’m still not going to post the aforementioned adult art here.  If you really want to find it, you should be able to on your own, and I’d prefer to leave my blog work-safe, even if it gets a bit risque at times(like now).

Now to wait for more commissions to open…

Spring 2014 /m/ season a.k.a. stuff I’m watching

A bunch of series I had been following all wrapped up end of last season, but only a few new ones started.  It makes for a good time to try and catch up on the massive backlog I’ve built up.  The only problem is it’s mostly older toku, so I need to be in the right mood to watch it

Captain Earth

2 episodes out so far and it’s a fairly entertaining and fairly typical Super Robot show. The characters aren’t annoying, and even better, it’s all hand-drawn so there’s no sudden 3D taking you out of the moment.  I’d thrown a lot of technobabble at us though, but most of it seems like stuff that’ll be explained later.

Kamen Rider Gaim

This actually started last year, and looks to be wrapping up by the end of summer.  A very good series reminiscent of the early Heisei Kamen Rider series.  You wouldn’t think fruit samauri karate bugmen would be something that you could get a serious series out of, but this has done it well, without going over the edge into grimderp.

Garo: Makai no Hana

The 4th season or series on the Garo universe, this one is following the son of the main character from the first two seasons.  Well, he seems like he’s supposed to be but they have yet to officially state it.  After last year’s Garo season that deviated rather heavily in style and other factors, this one is feeling a lot more like the original series so far.  Unlike the other two above, I think it’d be better to watch the previous seasons/series as that explains and sets up a lot fo the world, and this so far seems like it expects you to be somewhat familiar with it already.  Not to a heavy extent, but enough that it’d explain a lot of things otherwise that you may not get.

Oddly enough, that’s pretty much it for this season, apart from Shin Ultraman Retsuden, which is waaaay behind on subs currently.  I’d thought this would be a bit meatier before I actually started writing.  Ah well, it is what it is!

And now for something completely different…

It’s random bullshit time!  In other words, not much philosophy, more general cheering and bitching and random life events and wait is this thing on?

Anyways…

If you live in the US, it’s tax time!  This year is probably the easiest I’ll have it from here on out, as I didn’t have anything really to give me any extra tax breaks, so I just had to enter the W2 info and answer no to a lot of things.  However, because of that I apparently ended up even-steven with the state, and owing the Feds $1, which is already taken care of.  No refunds, but on the other hand I didn’t really owe anything either.  $1, big whoop.

Second bit of news is that apparently there’s a true spiritual successor to Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri coming out!  They can’t use the name since it’s owned by EA, but it’s due out in the fall, but teh screenshots look promising.  Then again, I haven’t touched a Civ game since Civ2 and Alpha Cen, so there’ll prolly be all sorts of new things too.  And even better, it’ll be supported officially on Linux from the start!

Speaking of Linux, this Thursday the 17th is the release date of the next (x)ubuntu LTS, 14.04.  I’ve made it a habit to stick with the LTS until the next one or until something major needs some library that hasn’t or won’t be backported.  I’ve managed to make 12.04 work fine on my desktop until this week, when I found out that apparently my media players fail at Wavpack in MKV, at least however Over-Time does it.  Just means I’ll have to drop a resolution to watch it, and presumably it won’t be an issue after this week.

One nice thing is that I can upgrade straight from 12.04 to 14.04, as long as my install is up to date, which I’m actually doing right now as I write this.  When I went from 10.04 to 12.04 I had to go through the intermediate distros I think… didn’t matter in the end, since I did a fresh install when I got my SSD drive anyways.  My laptop is actually still on 10.04, but I’m planning on backing that up and giving it a clean install coming up here.  Really tempted to do that before I upgrade my desktop, but we’ll see.

In other news, work’s looking to get crazy real soon too… one of the people on my team left end of last week, and we have a bunch of upcoming projects which were gonna tie us up some even without that.  For once, our sales team was just too good!

Getting away from that a bit, since I’m not really looking forward to tomorrow, art is pretty much still in a holding pattern.  No word yet on the pic from Syrinoth, but considering they just moved a little over 3 weeks ago, they could still be busy settling in, or just getting all the commissions done at once for one huge art dump!  Just wish I knew how far down the list I am, and like I mentioned, that pic is one that won’t be reposted here due to content.

The only other piece I have out being worked on is the conbadge, and that artist is still clearing out her queue, so no doubt it’ll be a while longer before she gets far enough down it to get to mine.  There’s people that have been waiting far longer for their stuff after all!

I’m also still keeping an eye on Natoli’s progress through her commissions… I’ve got a specific pic in mind still that I’d like to get, once she finishes.  Form the looks of the progress, it should hopefully be within the next month.  Barring that, if they get around to doing another weekend stream sketch session, I’ll probably snag a slot.  Not for myself, but as a gift for a certain dragoness who apparently hasn’t gotten any arts done before.

Speaking of which, last week I took a long, hard look at how I felt, and manned dragoned up and let her know I was possibly interested in something more than friends.  She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no either, and the feeling I got from her replies is that she felt at least somewhat similarly, but she hadn’t fully looked at it before then.  Basically the comments that got me to say something was something she’d come up with in a moment of kinda-sorta-not-really panic when a mutual friend almost threw a wrench in the works without realizing that’s what he was doing.

So basically to sum it up we’re still keepin on keepin on, so to speak, and seeing where things lead on its own.  And honestly?  I’m fine with that.  If things work out for us, great, and if they don’t, I’ll still have a great friend, so it’s win-win!  My worst fear was that I’d been totally misreading things and that I’d scare her off, but thankfully that wasn’t the case, and that was a huge relief.  The entire day before, even though it was such a simple thing, I was nervous as all hell, and kept reminding myself in the words of  a favorite song of one of my friends, to “get up and try, try, try” because in the end it’s worth it.

I could probably write a bit more, but it’s late, I got work in the morning, and I don’t want to be drowsing out at my desk in the middle of the day.  Been thinking of taking vitamins or something, since Gatorade of all things seems to help, and I don’t drink coffee(or any caffinated beverage, really), but again, something for another time. So, I’ll leave you with this reminder, which helped me get through things, and that a certain pair of hatchies I know would like everyone to remember:

Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame

Where there’s a flame someone’s bound to get burned

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die

You gotta get up, and try, and try, and try…

Remember 16… Why?

There’ll probably be a life update type thing in the near future(or there may not be, if I’m no longer in the mood by then) but first I had an idea that was tickling my brain for a little while.  I’d pulled out my old Fire Bomber CD for driving, and while I was heading home “Remember 16” started playing.  This happened to dovetail with a conversation I’d had the night before where someone was commenting about what if you could go back in time and change one (minor?) thing in your life.

16 is supposed to somehow be a magical age we should be nostalgic about.  It’s when we’re supposed to be making our first explorations of relationships, learning how to drive, basically starting to become more of an adult than child.  The key phrase there is “supposed to”

At that age, I was kind of an idiot in some ways.  I’d just come off of somewhat heavy bullying in middle school, which had followed on from a couple years of teasing in 4th and 5th grade, and was in my second year of high school.  My freshman year I’d started making an actual friend again and was just starting to fall in with a “geek” clique of sorts, but I still had a lot of paranoia born from those years of bullying, looking back.

In short, though I knew how to drive, I didn’t have a car, I did not have many friends, self-esteem was hovering in the lower third of the range, and I tended to assume anything positive or someone approaching me was someone being sarcastic, or the setup to a joke, outside of certain environments.

My academics was great, but my social life was a mess.

Thankfully the friends I had made had dragged me out of my shell and cleared me of most of that, or I’d shudder to think how I would have been in college.  But for me, 16 was far from a time to remember, though I do have some good memories from gaming and my friends of that time.  It was far from the sugary teenage utopia that pop culture pushes, though.

Going back to the idea of changing something though, someone I care about had brought up the idea of having never met her ex.  Combining those lines of thought had sent my thoughts back to when I was 18.

Now I was young and horny as most teenagers still are at that point, and started spending time on an adult MUCK looking for some “fun.”  No, I’m not proud of it, though I have to say that involved text RPing with no visual aids is awesome for developing your descriptive writing skills.  Setting all that aside, my “character” was basically me for the most part with a slightly different background, and I got in a session with this one gal who dropped the “l” word during it.

I was (and still am, mostly) kind of a romantic at heart, and that combined with thinking with my smaller head led to what I consider one of my stupidest moments – mixing IC actions and intentions with OOC ones.  I’d never really had anyone express romantic sentiments to me at that point due to the previously mentioned facts about how I kept myself fairly isolated through high school, thanks to misplaced paranoia, and took the whole exchange deeper to heart than I should have.  I basically went in totally blind and while she was playing a character, I treated it as if it was the person behind the character, until eventually someone on an LDR forum pointed out the “picture” she had sent me was a cropped model image.  When I confronted her about it, feeling betrayed, she disappeared, cut off all contact and changed her character name. I never even found out if she was actually a “she.”

I can look back on it now and see how she was basically humoring me, and so, to answer that question, I wish I could go back and slap the me that was then with a clue-by-four before I even got involved with that.  At one point, I blamed them for the whole mess, but now I can look back and say it mostly was my own damn fault, and their only portion of blame was from not setting me straight early on when they should have realized how I was taking things.  The only good thing that ever came of it was that I learned that LDRs were possible, thanks to finding said support forums’ existence, and that I had finally fully grasped internally that others could actually care for and about me.  Both of those I likely would have learned eventually regardless, but in a much less painful manner.  It did show me also that it was a good idea to not only make sure I kept a solid wall between any RPing and being myself online, but to also make sure everyone else knows where I stand on that as well, in whatever environment I may be in. In other words, I’m just being myself unless I’m explicitly RPing.

Of course for some people if you’re being something other than what you are in meatspace, they consider that RPing.  Being ‘kin, and with my views on identity that I’ve already covered previously, not so much.  To me, RPing is when you take on a different character entirely, with potentially(but not necessarily) different goals, backgrounds, or attitudes.  RPing is like writing a story, but with control only over whatever portion of the narrative your character encompasses. Hanging out on SL as a frog is far different from presenting yourself as Jor’Nath Frogwalker, Amphibian Champion from the Third Galaxy and Master of the Cheezi Death Games.  In my opinion, wearing a different skin is just assuming(or revealing) a different aspect of your identity. Hell, if transhumanism takes off, we’ll be able to do this in meatspace as well!

There’s an easy example of this, actually, within the furry community: Goldfur, the originator of the chakat species.  On one hand, Goldfur is hirself; being a chakat is a significant portion of hir identity, from what I have seen around the community.  On the other, shi also has written stories about Goldfur the chakat who has 2 chakat sisters in Federation service and has two foxtaurs and a human Federation admiral as mates in a Star Trek-like universe.  Now the two may be similar in some ways, but the Chakatverse Goldfur is still hir own entity compared to the furry who wrote the stories, with different experiances and family, not to mention a completely different history.

That may be the actual best way to describe the divergence point. An RP character is a separate entity from the person playing it.  It’s like acting out a script that you’re writing as you go, while being yourself requires no extra thought in doing so.

That said, if my avatar is a certain shape, when I act, that is my shape.  While humans don’t nuzzle to show affection, dragons do.  Dragons may not have arms as such, so they may hug with wings or tail, or use them to wave rather than a forepaw. However, I would not do those things in a fully human body, as it is not built for it, nor is it appropriate.  The shape of the body does not have to be the shape of the soul, and the former can be changed, even if only virtually at this time.  So the way I look at it is to use the right tool for the right job – after all, while you can use a hammer on a screw, it doesn’t exactly produce the intended result over a screwdriver.  Of course, some of that also probably partly comes from having spent so many years among the furry community in the past.

Either way I’m now older and wiser and… well, that’s a post for another time.  Suffice it to say that for me a lot of the past is simply the past and my future at the moment is looking fairly promising, if murky.

Patience

Patience is hard.  In a world where everything is “faster faster, nownownow” we aren’t exactly encouraged to look at anything long term anymore.  Corporations look at the next quarter instead of 5 years ahead, everyone shopped with credit to get their gadgets right away, not to mention you can buy almost anything with the click of the mouse.  That blockbuster movie?  Don’t wait for it to come out on DVD and download a camrip instead.  And god forbid you have to do any real work to beat the boss and get your shinies!

In this internet-powered world of instant gratification, waiting is ever more difficult as you get used to the breakneck pace and instant availability of everything.  When that starts to get annoying, then it’s time to take a deep breath and remember what it takes to get some of these things.

One big example was Blizzard’s April Fool’s Day patch notes for WoD.  I kept cracking up as I read most of these… classic Blizzard humor(Chakra, when the walls fell!) with those couple of ideas that might actually be cool someday.  And then when I go to check the comments on MMO-C to see who else got some of those, what do I find but people bitching that they wasted time on what probably wasn’t more than an hour’s worth of work that could easily have been done during breaks.  Not only that, but it was probably their web team, which has no effect on the speed that WoD is coming out.

Apparently people couldn’t put aside their- yeah I’m gonna sue the word, because if the shoe fits- entitlement to laugh and enjoy some jokes, they’re taking a game way too seriously.  Yeah, Fall is a long time.  I might unsub myself for a few months depending on if we keep raiding or not.  A couple WoWless months isn’t the end of the world!

For my part, I’ve also got a couple pieces of art that I’ve been waiting for also.  One isn’t going to be posted here because reasons, and the other is one I been waiting on a while, but I knew that artist had a huge backlog that she’s still working through.  I’m actually finding it harder to wait for the one I’ve been waiting a shorter time on, but there’s two factors there:  I actually had a specific image in mind from the start, and with that artist he doesn’t have a publicly available waiting list.

Even if you’re near the bottom of the list, it’s still somehow easier when you can see just how far down you are on the list.  It’s like a visual reminder that yes, it is coming.

I’m also waiting on another artist to re-open commissions, and again the same factor here helps with the waiting.  They have a public list of the commissions on their list and how far they are, so it helps with the waiting… but also makes it a bit more intense as it gets close to time.

Either way it’s time to- as they say- hurry up and wait!