Being self-masochistic

It’s time for another of those self-analysis, thought-sorting posts, where I shout my feelings and thoughts into the great void of the internet, to be swallowed up in the vast sea of 1s and 0s, signifying nothing.

Anyways, on WoW raid nights my free time is fairly limited, between work and WoW.  A natural consequence is that it means less time spent with the dragoness I’m kind of interested in.  Well, we both have our own lives to live too, so like usual I do other stuff while waiting.

Now a little while later I notice she’s online, but she does some performance stuff regularly, and one of the other people that’s in that same group(and had been nearby) had disappeared right around then too, so I figure there’s a show going on, and they’re busy on stage and stuff.  Here’s where things take a sharp left.

I know from several of my relationships in the past that I have a tendancy to be a bit clingy, and I don’t want to let that mess anything up.  So, I hold off so I don’t bother her.  Just because she’s there doesn’t mean I have to be, though the music is good and I kinda like going to support her and the band(and maybe show off my full size dragon self a little to help advertise the IoW exists).  However, as it goes on I start feeling down, and then start feeling annoyed with myself for feeling down, and so on.

Now here’s where I started looking a bit harder at myself.  I’ve IMed her before when she’s been on stage, and it hasn’t been a problem.  I know I probably could have asked her where the show was and she would have told me and I could have gone there.  Like I said above though, I don’t want to get all clingy on her, and stalkerish.  But was that just an excuse?

I’ve caught myself beating myself up(emotionally) before, probably because of all the bad times I had back in school years ago – time heals that sort of thing, but still leaves scars.  I(‘d like to) think she wouldn’t want me to be not… not sure the best way to put it, but in short, not do what I was doing, but that might just be wishful thinking, or- I dunno.

ANYWAYS, it makes me wonder if maybe there’s a part of me still buried somewhere that likes to see me feeling down. Like there’s some portion of myself that likes playing the martyr and self-sacrifice card, and I know down that road lies nothing but poisoned relationships and heartache if it’s not kept on a tight leash.

Maybe it all comes back to balance.  That I’m recognizing the potential means I have the ability to resist it, as much as one can.  One of my tenets though has always been to be true to myself though, as well, but- rargh, I dunno.

Whether you follow astrology or not, the crab(my sun and moon sign) actually are a pretty good analogy for how I live my life, emotionally.  I’m very careful about who I let get close enough to me that they could potentially hurt me, and I tend to be very protective, or something like that.  Like I said, this is more one of those “put my thoughts in order” entries, so lots of stream-of-conciousness here.

I don’t want to hurt myself, but I don’t want to smother what we have going either by being overzealous.  Then again, we may not actually have anything, since I haven’t officially asked her at all.  I do realize I probably should dragonman up and ask her directly, but… not quite yet. With all the time we’ve been spending around one another, and since you can’t exactly take someone out for a meal/etc online, there just really hasn’t been a right time yet.  (Of course knowing my luck, someone else will notice and ask if we’re an item, and force the issue.)

Still, my gut tells me that there is definitely something there.  I could be totally off base but that’s not the feeling I get from her seeing what she does and how she is.  And like I said before in the head vs heart post I’m not going to let me talk myself out of a good thing.  I’ve seen enough working couples around IoW to know this can work, if we put in the effort.  An LDR takes a lot more work than a local one, and part of that is communication.

Rather than deciding for her when I’m being too clingy, I need to just be myself, and let her decide when I should be buggering off elsewhere.  It’s not my place to decide for her, one way or the other.  Which again, is not a license to be clingy.  The watchword, as I always seem to come back to, is balance.

And honestly?  If she hadn’t even been on or I knew she was unavailable it wouldn’t have really bothered me at all, apart from maybe a wistful “oh well” before logging over for raid.  So after thinking about it, the answer is yes, I was being masochistic and denying myself what I wanted to do.  I should have IMed her and at least said hi, but shoulda woulda coulda, as the saying goes.

There’s always tomorrow!

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