So after my day turned to shit, got some better, then stabilized at a low level of shittiness, the last thing I really expected was to be writing here. You see, I’m one of those folks who tends to bottle the bad feelings up and let them out to play when I’m by myself. “It’s my problem, I shouldn’t bother anyone else with it.” “I don’t want to make them feel bad too.” and various other excuses I’m sure we’re all too familiar with. Great for others, not so much for myself.
Before I start to make myself feel bad about feeling bad though, let me change tracks. This isn’t intended to be a vent journal tonight, with the person I care most about unavailable; it’s about something that crossed my mind when I was fighting my inner demons.
I’ve always been a bit of a… worrywart I guess is still the right word, even if it feels positively antiquated these days. I locked the door before leaving, right? Did I forget anything? Did I miss something with this plan to fix all the things? Is there something here I’m not seeing? If I make the wrong choice here, am I screwed? Did I make the wrong choice already? Am I going to fast? Should I have not said that?
One thing I never really thought about is why I think those things.
Despite a lot of what I do daily being considered being a technician instead of an engineer(and I’m not even going to get into that mess right now) my job title and my personal opinion agree on one thing: I am an engineer. In this case it gets to the very root of the word – engineers solve problems. I’s a part of who I am, and it’s what I do.
The thing is, it’s part of an engineers JOB, as well as nature, to question constantly. It’s not as critical in the field I’m in, but a lot of peoples’ lives can depend on the calculation an engineer made 15 years ago when designing, for example, a bridge. An engineer is used to constantly double-checking and triple-checking themselves, and being checked by others, because if they don’t, that’s just a recipe for disaster.
Now take that mindset, and apply it to everyday life.
I think that is a large part of why I worry so much, even over inconsequential things, or even things I’m 99% sure I’m right on. Just as being a dragon is in my nature, so is being an engineer. I can’t just turn it on when I go to work and turn it off at night when I go home; it’s an integral part of me as well. There’s a part of my subconscious constantly checking for any signs of failure and shoving the doubts into my thoughts because it’s what I do.
It doesn’t help when you’ve got a decent imagination either, because that then feeds back into the whole thing. It’s great if you’re mentally simulating what a change might do to some settings, but not when you’re imagining all the different scenarios behind something happening personally – especially since again, engineers are by design supposed to be looking out for the worst case scenario, even if it doesn’t apply. Aim for the best but expect the worst is potentially an engineering creed in and of itself.
Figuring this all out doesn’t truly make it any easier, but it’s a connection that I never really consciously made until now, I think. Anyways, short little thought for the day, and I think I’ll leave it there. If I start going into just why today registered on the shit-o-meter I’ll either get pissed or feel more down, and I don’t need either after the day I had. One of them though may become another short post of pondering in the future, though.