Time flies

So my birthday came and went, and I’ve now rode this ball of dirt and air around the sun another full time. Saw the new Transformers movie and it was better than the last two I have to say.  Didn’t sell me on characters but it was a better experience I felt.

Now that I look it’s been about 3 weeks since my last post, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.  I suppose it’s a matter of scale.  When you’re younger, every day is a larger portion of your total life, and there’s so much ahead still that it feels like it drags.  Once you get past your mid-20s, you’ve lived a lot more so each day feels less significant, not to mention that not much changes(unless you have children) for many years after.  Same reason that when you get older age gaps can be bigger without getting into the weird zone.

Still mostly hanging with my mate and playing D3 when she’s not around.  So far I’ve played everything except Demon Hunter, and I’m liking Wizard and Crusader the best, followed by Barb.  Witch Doctor is efficient but not as fun to me.. although all the pets make some enemies not near as annoying.  The only thing I enjoyed about the monk was Explosive Palm making things go boom, and that got nerfed heavy.  2.1 patch is retooling all that though, so afterwards, we’ll see.

2.1 also brings in the seasons to D3, and I might play it but I don’t know if I’ll go Crusader or Wizard.  It’s actually kinda funny, considering that I can make the Wizard play like the Wind Druid, one of my favorites from D2, and the Crusader is the rebuild of the paladin from D2, which was the other D2 class I played a bunch.  No Auradin, but looking at trying Holy Shotgun on my Crusaders once they cap out and I can get the gear for it.

Artwise, no real change apart form the CurioDraco piece is actually in progress now.  I should probably poke the other two just to see if there’s any word on progress, since it’s been months now since the last update.

I am getting going on getting that referance sheet now also that I was talking about.  Maverick updated her Trello and had some new Ref sheets, so I asked and she did have an open ref sheet spot in her queue!  Working hashing out the initial sketch sketch still, but it has gotten me to think on a few things again that I hadn’t before about my body.  Like for example I had been planning on a black mouth and tongue, but after trying it out in SL(as she was thinking flesh was better) I did find it worked better.  My gf also spotted a change that needed to be done with my horns that I’d overlooked, funnily enough.  There’s going to be clean and adult versions too, which’ll be useful, and Miss Maverick does a very good job at capturing expressions.

Don’t really have anything else of note to talk about right now so going to close it out there.  Until next time!

Sweet Emotion

Time for another of those shouts out into the vast void of the Interwebs!

Last night, after I said goodnight to my love and was getting ready for bed, I was thinking back on the day and realized my mood hadn’t changed much for most of the day(apart from when I surprised her with some art that I’ll get into later).  It was an odd feeling, but after a few minutes though I was able to put a name to it: I was content.

Strange that something so simple is so elusive in the modern world, so uncommon that it’s not recognized immediately anymore.  Yet there it is, after spending a day mostly split between Diablo 3 and time in SL with my mate.

I guess our lives are so sped up and micromanaged by various companies wanting siphons in our wallets, not to mention work pressures, that it’s hard to find those quiet times anymore.  “Feeling anything other than nondescript happy?  There’s a drug for that!”  “A normal person is happy.  You ARE normal, aren’t you?” “Look at these awesome stars you’ll never be as good at unless you buy our stuff!”

These days we’re constantly pushed and pulled in so many different directions and ways that equilibrium is hard to find.  It’s a bit like Bilbo described in the LotR stuff; “A bit like too little butter spread over too much bread” or jam or whatever it was.  Everything is “GOGOGOGO NOWNOWNOW” from the intense lows of a manager or customer leaning into your face tearing you a new one because this color isn’t exactly like that color, never mind it’s the same color, to the intense highs of getting that brand new sportscar to show off to your coworkers like you’re getting paid twice what you are.

Things are going great or things are going shitty, and you’re expected to react appropriately and that there’s something wrong with you otherwise.

There’s also the perception among current US culture that if you’re not on top of the heap, you should be reaching for more.  “Everything for me and mine; hell take the hindmost” is a common sentiment if you break things down.  You don’t even need to deny it; just look at the laws that get passed or repealed, and what all the lobbying groups push for.  If you’re not making progress or sitting at the top, you don’t deserve to be happy, and god forbid that you actually backslide!  Everyone knows that never happens to anyone who doesn’t deserve it, right?  Therefore, if you backslide you must be a horrible horrible person and you deserve all the bad things the rich men do to you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s “unfashionable” to be content.  Honestly, there’s still things I want and want to change, but for that day there was just me, my mate, my friends, and a game I find fun, and that was enough for that day.  It was a simple happy, not the extreme high that most seem to think of as happy these days.  In fact, thinking about it, I’m sure there’s some that would qualify anything outside that extreme high as being unhappy, and treat it with “medication”(whether legal or not).

It’s actually kind of sad that this is a thing.  I guess that’s why some folks reject the modern world and pine for older days, when things were simpler, less hectic, and less inclined to extremes.  There’s still plenty of room though to step back and enjoy a simple day, leaving the worries of the world behind and just enjoy the moment, even when you work in IT!

Now as to the other moment I mentioned earlier, I had been wanting to get my girl a picture of her dragoness playing the keytar(as she does in a band in SL) for a couple months now.  There was a specific artist who does really inexpensive stream sketch commissions, but they’d been working on full commissions for a while and hadn’t done a stream since March!  Friday, I found they were opening on Saturday afternoon.  I probably had the dopiest grin on my face on and off that afternoon as I pondered getting to surprise her with that, since she never got any art before now.

When the time got close, I was a bit nervous, since we were also running a race event on SL, and I wanted her in the stream while it was being drawn.  I paused for a few minutes to let some other people get their entries in before mine so they wouldn’t overlap, which worked like a charm.  Then however, there was some confusion about the race that looked like it would delay things, but by the time my queue slot came around the after-race party was well underway.

When I was getting her into the stream, I didn’t tell her what it was for other than she would really want to see this, and the whole time I was feeling the urge to giggle or snicker in anticipation of her reaction, which was fairly close to what I had figured.  The picture came out pretty good, if a little bit different from what I had expected, but she loved it, which gave me that bubbly happy feeling from seeing her happy about it.

Since I had gotten to surprise her with that one, I went ahead and told her about the other commission I had gotten, that was of both of us.  That one is more of a slow burn as that commission is going to be worked on over July, and I hope we both like that one just as much as this one – it’s just harder when you’re working without a solid reference, and her SL av is still a WIP.

Which I suppose is a good time to go back over my art queue.

  • Badge from Acidapluvia – She’s been busy with life, but she finally got around to updating her Trello queue listing last week and it’s showing as in-progress now, so yay!  Not sure if it’s going to be just the image or it’ll be physical, so will find that out when she gets it done.
  • Adult pic from Tanraak – Got a sketch, he tried to work on it for a bit, wasn’t satisfied with it and redrew it, although honestly I liked the first sketch also.  After the last review of the new sketch I haven’t heard back in a month, but he’s had some motivation problems recently so been cutting him some slack before I poke him to find out about any form of progress.
  • The aforementioned couple pic from CurioDraco – Got confirmation and sent payment over the weekend, and it’s part of a batch that will be worked on over the month of July.  I’d been wanting some art from her and I’d been wanting to get a pic of me and Kait so this works out perfectly.

On a side note, advice for anyone who is looking for good dragon artists, whether adult or otherwise: Look through the gallery and favorites of some of the more commonly drawn dragons, like Byzil and her friends – that’s how I found most of the dragon artists I’m watching.

Botcon Hasbro Toy Panel Thoughts

Just a quick little thing, now that the Hasbro panel is done and all the reveals are out.

DO WANT tier:

  • Arcee – That is SO G1 Arcee.  Animated Arcee is so replaced.
  • Brainstorm – He looks so perfect I don’t feel a need to get the original figure anymore.  Also HEADMASTER!
  • Powerglide – Perfect representation of one fo the first TFs I ever owned.  First Tailgate, now Powerglide.  Thanks Hasbro!
  • More combiners in 2015 – WTB a new Computron!

Kinda want tier:

  • Bombshell – Looks like I’ll need to get Shrapnel now, especially since Kickback is also on their list
  • More Hasbro MPs – Kinda iffy on these since I got my G2 Sideswipe MP already, and I don’t have a strong attachment to the 84-85 guys, but they are good toys.
  • Leader Megs – Looks like a perfect G1 almost, apart from turning into a tank

Everything else revealed is pretty much pass for me right now.  Still the WANT is strong with this group.  I might actually have to do some preorders depending on how distribution works.

Now back to waiting…

Worries

So after my day turned to shit, got some better, then stabilized at a low level of shittiness, the last thing I really expected was to be writing here.  You see, I’m one of those folks who tends to bottle the bad feelings up and let them out to play when I’m by myself.  “It’s my problem, I shouldn’t bother anyone else with it.” “I don’t want to make them feel bad too.”  and various other excuses I’m sure we’re all too familiar with.  Great for others, not so much for myself.

Before I start to make myself feel bad about feeling bad though, let me change tracks.  This isn’t intended to be a vent journal tonight, with the person I care most about unavailable; it’s about something that crossed my mind when I was fighting my inner demons.

I’ve always been a bit of a… worrywart I guess is still the right word, even if it feels positively antiquated these days.  I locked the door before leaving, right?  Did I forget anything?  Did I miss something with this plan to fix all the things?  Is there something here I’m not seeing?  If I make the wrong choice here, am I screwed?  Did I make the wrong choice already?  Am I going to fast? Should I have not said that?

One thing I never really thought about is why I think those things.

Despite a lot of what I do daily being considered being a technician instead of an engineer(and I’m not even going to get into that mess right now) my job title and my personal opinion agree on one thing:  I am an engineer.  In this case it gets to the very root of the word – engineers solve problems.  I’s a part of who I am, and it’s what I do.

The thing is, it’s part of an engineers JOB, as well as nature, to question constantly.  It’s not as critical in the field I’m in, but a lot of peoples’ lives can depend on the calculation an engineer made 15 years ago when designing, for example, a bridge.  An engineer is used to constantly double-checking and triple-checking themselves, and being checked by others, because if they don’t, that’s just a recipe for disaster.

Now take that mindset, and apply it to everyday life.

I think that is a large part of why I worry so much, even over inconsequential things, or even things I’m 99% sure I’m right on.  Just as being a dragon is in my nature, so is being an engineer.  I can’t just turn it on when I go to work and turn it off at night when I go home; it’s an integral part of me as well.  There’s a part of my subconscious constantly checking for any signs of failure and shoving the doubts into my thoughts because it’s what I do.

It doesn’t help when you’ve got a decent imagination either, because that then feeds back into the whole thing.  It’s great if you’re mentally simulating what a change might do to some settings, but not when you’re imagining all the different scenarios behind something happening personally – especially since again, engineers are by design supposed to be looking out for the worst case scenario, even if it doesn’t apply.  Aim for the best but expect the worst is potentially an engineering creed in and of itself.

Figuring this all out doesn’t truly make it any easier, but it’s a connection that I never really consciously made until now, I think.  Anyways, short little thought for the day, and I think I’ll leave it there.  If I start going into just why today registered on the shit-o-meter I’ll either get pissed or feel more down, and I don’t need either after the day I had.  One of them though may become another short post of pondering in the future, though.

Censoring yourself

To be fair, this is something we do every day in our day-to-day lives.  If we were socialized properly and don’t have any interfering mental issues, we go around all the time and make think certain things, but our brain-to-mouth filter catches them before they get us in trouble.

As much as that does work though, we will still blurt out wrong things at the wrong moment in live conversation, which everyone knows as “putting your foot in your mouth” form wherever the phrase started.  Online interactions however add another layer on top of that.

With the way text chatting works, unlike in speech you get the entire message at once, rather than as the stream of words that spoken language is.  Rather than take it bit by bit, you swallow the message in whole and then respond.  ON top of that, depending on typing speed and message length, you could be communicating faster or slower than you would speaking, which can lead to you sometimes talking past the other person.  For example, you could be responding to their previous sentance but by the time you get it out they’ve already said something on a different subject, and then you end up with two conversations at once potentially until one resolves itself.

Of course, holding multiple conversations at once can be a side benefit of this as well.

Either way, online interactions give you more time to think of what you’re going to say, which can lead to a conscious word filter in addition to your learned unconscious one.  You may think more about what you’re going to say.. especially if you have an idea of what the other party is about to say and can see that they’re typing it(as most things, whether Skype, Second Life, or something else show it these days).

This isn’t always a good thing.

I for one prefer to try and keep my responses as close to what I would respond live, if possible, especially in an environment like Second Life. I try to avoid half-typing a sentence, then deleting it and starting over, though I admit it does happen sometimes… and there’s other times when what I’m about to say becomes pointless before I’m finished.  Because of this, it bugs me sometimes when I’m saying good night to my dragoness and I catch myself thinking over the wording ahead of time while she’s typing.  It feels like the time I have while she’s saying it is longer than if she was actually saying it, and I wouldn’t have near the same time, and then it feels like I’m overthinking it and meh.  Personal pet peeve at myself.

That’s not everything though.  Thre’s another instance of self-censoring that I only recently got myself over – the “L” word.  Love.

In other past relationships I’ve had it’s come out probably too soon, and while it may not directly have contributed to the end of those, it never helped in the end either.  Especially since I wasn’t even fully sure of my own feelings at the start, I firmly sat on it and fought against using it, even in the privacy of my own thoughts.

A slight side note here; the english language really should have more words for the various forms of love.  Without adjectives and context, it can me romantic love, familial love, a really deep like for something, or just appreciation for really good friends. It’s all just very imprecise and can leave the way open for misunderstandings, compared to various other languages where each of those is its own word.  In fact, it’s kind of amusing that Japanese, a language way more context-sensitive than English, actually does this.

Going back to the romantic use of the word though, there’s not much further a relationship can go at that point emotionally, in American culture.  There’s still growing together and more the relationship can do to grow, but feelings-wise that’s considered to be it.  That’s also why telling someone that too early can be considered creepy, as if you’re trying to force your feelings onto them.

So, as I said, I fought against and argued against using it even in my own head for a long while, even though it may have been the truth about how I was feeling towards her.  In part that was because there’s other meanings of love that can affect a relationship – infatuation and lust.

The latter isn’t even a factor apart from whatever desire is caused by my already existing feelings for her as, hell, I still have yet to even see a picture of her.  I know there folks out there that think me crazy for feeling this way about someone I haven’t seen, and they may be correct from certain points of view, but the heart is anything but rational.  Back when I first started this relationship, I came to the conclusion that it’s not going to matter, after some thinking on that fact.  Same thing with age – it might feel a bit weird if it turns out she’s as old as my parents, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  I know she’s not hugely older than I am form some activities she did when she was younger, so there’ snot going to be a huge age gap either – the only downside of that at my age is the larger the gap, the less time we may have together at the end of our lives.. assuming everything works out at least.  I’m not going to make any assumptions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t think ahead sometimes. I just have to know that at the moment it’s just a pleasant fantasy.

Anyways… back to the point I’ve been sidestepping towards.  Infatuation at the start can seem like love, or even lead into it, but it wears off fairly quickly. Another reason that it’s bad to commit too fast and too heavily too early.  At least now I’m at the age where I’m not fighting hormones to think with the larger head.  Either way, I been into her long enough that I can pretty much write that off now – whatever comes, I definitely do care for her as my love and mate.

Fairly recently I finally started allowing myself to use it in my thoughts and when I’m by myself – to finally allow myself to use it and admit that I really did love her.  In regards to that our goodnights had become a lot more affectionate, and basically we were referring to each other in every way but that.  I kept wanting to say it but I also couldn’t help thinking that I should wait until the right moment.  Even still, some of our goodnights felt like the right moment but I chickened out before saying it.  I’d start typing, then change it before I finished because I had too much time to think about it.  That was stopping me from using some other related words I wanted to use too, such as calling her my love, or beloved, and so on.

The funny part is that when I finally got over it, I added it onto one of the times I was saying goodnight, and while I didn’t feel nervous about it, it didn’t feel as good to finally say it as I thought it would… probably because I’d been holding off so long.  Still it’s a relief that I don’t have to censor myself anymore, though after doing it for a while I find myself occasionally wanting to avoid the word again, just out of reflex.

In short, it’s way too easy to censor yourself online, even when you shouldn’t or don’t need to.  Try not to give yourself time to overthink about what you’re typing, just roll with it and let your natural self-censor kick in instead of overthinking, and you’ll be much happier.

Wind Wizards and Minibots

And of course when I look back at this it’s the start of next month.  Well, every couple of weeks works just as well I guess.  It’s just harder to keep it up when I don’t have anything special going on or anything fancy to ponder.

Art-wise, nothing’s really changed.  Still waiting for commissions to open up with DragonLovers, and the one adult pic I had in the works is still in the works, though I’ve gotten prelim sketches and it’s been restarted at least once cause the artist didn’t think he was giving the picture proper justice on his first concept.

In general lifewise, life is happening.  Work’s reorganizing a bit again, and a couple people left as well, but nothing too crazy.  Waiting for the confirmation on something I’m expecting, then I’ll have to start actively househunting again, but that’s nothing different than I said last post.  Some of my dragoness and I’s mutual friends are noticing we’re a couple now, though we’ve not exactly gone to lengths to hide it.  We’ve also not exactly been flaunting it, so *shrug*.

Main thing here I guess is D3.  In my last post I was still leveling, but now I’m a little ways into the endgame, and it’s a bit more interesting than the old play through all the same quests again, with the new bounties and rifts.  Also amusingly enough, I apparently started it again the same time several others at my office did.  I know one of them not too long ago was saying he probably wouldn’t go back, and now he’s playing again.

Remember how I said that the Wizard didn’t play much like my wind druid?  With a few tweaks to skill selection, it turns out it can play almost exactly like that, only without Hurricane damage.  Basically, I’m using the Piercing Orb and Stormchaser Energy Twister as my main attacks, and then using Chill Armor for the slow to cover for Hurricane, while keeping the electric Hydra and Mirror Image cause I like those abilities.  So far since I switched to it and got used to it, this Lightning-based build has gotten me to Paragon 43 and Torment 1, though stuff takes a while to die.  So far, gear hasn’t cooperated too much in terms of getting me higher DPS, but hoping that Torment will fix that a bit.  Legendaries have dropped several times, but only for ring or weapon so far. Apart from a couple set drops since moving to Torment, all my other legs have been crafted.

Other than that, I started a Crusader in Hardcore just to toy around with the class, but my real second character is gonna depend on what my dragoness is playing.  It’s in our plans for some point in the future, but hasn’t come around yet.

Also finished all my Transformer buying for a bit.  After being on the lookout since March, I was able to snag Swerve locally, and after seeing the new Cosmos in person I grabbed that too.  Since Swerve was the last thing I was waiting on at BBTS I canceled my preorder and shipped Tailgate and G2 Sideswipe, and I got lucky and snagged a MP Grimlock from the TRU site in the 12 hours or so it was up before it sold out.  With those, I’m all caught up until Rattrap’s wave comes out, which is probably going to be later in the year, since the movie line always derails the momentum of anything else until it’s over.

It’s funny… I snagged several from the first movie line, a few from the second, almost nothing from the third, and this time I only got one(Scorn) and might get a second(Strafe).  There’s just something about the design aesthetic that, while it was interesting the first time, and maybe the second, now it just doesn’t really interest me.  Ah well, it’s good for my wallet!

Stay A While And Listen

Overdue for another post, looks like.  Got no real fancy ponderings going on this time, just time to look back at life and decompress.

First, an art update.  That speedpaint ended up with a pose that’s not quite something I would have done(though the thought has crossed my mind a few times) but the end result was, in a word, hot.  And that’s not so much my opinion, but several others have mentioned it, including an artist who’s also working on something of an adult nature for me.  This third piece will probably be the last one for a while, as I’m out of ideas on what other poses to get for the moment.  At this point I’m mostly just getting them to “test” the artist for the refsheet, as that is next on my agenda, besides the few remaining pictures sitting on my “To get” and “In Progress” lists.

At the moment I’m strongly inclined towards FsMaverick, who did the speedpainting, but she’s got a bunch of speedpaintings to knock out first to get caught up, and there’s still a couple other artists I’m eyeing too.  I missed out on a YCH pic would would have been perfect for me and my dragoness though from Natoli and Rastaban, but Natoli should be re-opening around the 6th and then I can get the pic I’ve been waiting on getting from them.  I’ve also got a message out to Sidian about a cute clean pic that I’m waiting to hear back on.

I canceled my WoW sub, and I didn’t miss much… the guild did Cata last two weeks so I was fine with missing it.  I tried Wildstar as it was in Open beta, but it didn’t feel right to me.  I love the ideas behind it but something in it was lacking for me.  Maybe art decisions?

On the other hand, I finally got D3 running properly on my machine and tried out the demo portion, and it was fun!  The gameplay actually felt like Diablo 2, and once I got used to the way the game worked again it felt right, and the demo ended way too soon. I thought about it a bit, and ended up buying the game and xpac.  Originally I was debating Istaria or Wildstar for my WoW-replacement game, but looks like it’s gonna be D3.

I started off with a Wizard, and my next character is going to be a Monk.  I have to say I’m enjoying the way the Wizard plays.  It’s not quite the same as my old D2 Wind Druid, but it’s close enough.  I haven’t looked much into builds or whatnot, but so far for leveling I finally found a combo that works for me where I use all my abilities, at least for leveling.  At the moment I’m using ice missiles combined with Disintegrate for my main attacks, and for my others I’m using Frost Nova, Hydra(Arcane currently), Magic Weapon, and Mirror Image.  It’s working fairly well for me for leveling at this stage, and once I get near the end or I start dying a lot then I may dig further into it.

Work-wise, I need to get around to studying for my Server+.  Unfortunately, the free study materials out there don’t look to be the best.  The crazy part is I’m doing server level work, but it’s all the terminology you gotta remember that’s prolly gonna cause me problems.  But still, I’ve got find time now for that between that, D3, and spending time with my girl.  She has D3, but hasn’t touched it yet… would be nice to play that with her, but she’s got so much other stuff it’s prolly gonna be a case of I’ll be playing it when she’s not around.

I should also start house-hunting again next month, as something I’ve been waiting on should be going through.  Need to wait to make sure, but then it’s looking for places.  I’ve also been doing some thinking and if things keep going as they have, I’m actually a fair bit more mobile than my dragoness is as far as moving.  She’s got her friends and her job down there, most of my friends right now are online or coworkers.  That’s still a ways in the future though, so not gonna worry my tail about it now.

Got nothing else really to talk about, so I’ll leave it there.  Until next time!

Commitments

Been a little while since my last post, but there hasn’t really been anything other than minor life updates that I felt were worth writing about, and I felt like just writing a few sentences would be a waste.  I’ve tried to keep up a blog before that petered out, and when I started this one I told myself I’d make sure that wouldn’t happen with this one.  It’s a commitment I still intend to keep, and actually that’s what the theme of this post will be revolving around.

Before I dive into that though I may as well mention those life updates.

First, in the matter of art. Besides the badge I’ve been waiting on, I’ve got 2 more adult pieces I’m currently waiting on.  One I’m not expecting anytime soon, as the artist both has school issues and issues with his tablet.  He’s done awesome work(both for me and others) so it’s worth waiting.  The other was more of an opportunity thing.

You see, I’ve been considering getting my reference sheet redone as there are a few things that need correcting now, so I’ve been keeping an eye out for artists I might like to do it.  Most of the ones that I feel would do me justice I haven’t gotten art from yet though, and ref sheets seem to typically run between $150-$200.  I’m not about to blow that much on an artist when I don’t know how I’ll look in their style, bits and all.  One of the artists I was eyeing though had an issue come up and opened emergency speedpaint commissions, so I jumped on that to see how it comes out.  One thing interesting is instead of a pose description, we gave them personality traits and reference sheets, and they go from there.  It’s not first-come-first-serve, though I am in the first round, so I’m not sure how soon they’ll get to me.

… And actually, you know what?  I just realized I do have a non-adult picture I can share, that I totally forgot about listing here!  When I was doing my ref sheet searching, I found another artist I liked had a couple commission spots open so I snagged a pic I’d been wanting: a nice flying picture.

Above The Clouds

Just look at that happy dragon!  Such a nice day to fly on~

I’ve got other reasons to be a happy dragon too.  Things are going great between my dragoness and I, and there is most definitely an us now.  Sunday for example we got to hang out together most of the day; playing cheezi, wandering around the Raglan art walk, and other such sundry things.  We were thinking about hitting the Fantasy Faire together this evening, but it’s a Tuesday, and that means Raid Night.

Since 2008, most of my Tuesday nights, Thursday Nights, and Sunday Nights have been spent with 9 other folks in WoW fighting internet demons and greyhawking their bodies.  The guild I was with in Wrath raided up until the xpac changeover, as it took us a long time to get the Lich King down.  Then in Cata I raided up until near the end, but in Heroic at the end, only taking a break about a month before the new expac came out.  Now with WoD not coming out until Fall, unlike previous xpacs I’m feeling pretty done with WoW until new content comes. Most of my current raiding guild feels the same, so as of last week we’re done with progression until nerfs or new content comes.  As a guild we’ll probably faceroll through some old content and faff around still, but I’ll be taking a break from WoW and canceling my sub for the first time since I started in a couple weeks, once my current time runs out.

Now I’ve got no idea who’s going to show up tonight or what we’re going to do, but I’d honestly prefer to wander the Faire with my dragoness, barring a few specific runs which I don’t know if we’ll be doing.  I also feel a bit bad about putting the raid over her suggestion, but I’d basically already committed to showing up, so I’m going to see what my guild’s doing and decide then.

You see, once I commit to something I always do my best to follow through on it.  I’ve long admired the idea of honor and I try my best to live to my word if I give it.  Because of this, I don’t always jump up and volunteer or can waffle on things, because I know what committing to it means.  It also means I sometimes get annoyed when I get voluntold to do something and it’s something I can’t do(which happens sometimes at work) or if other people don’t keep up on their commitments when they should be able to- especially when it affects me too.

Of course there’s times when it’s unavoidable, due to conflicts that come up later, as in the case of tonight.  In those cases, all I can do is prioritize.  In general, Most people say(and I agree) that RL > online. This makes sense, as typically anything RL can have an immediate effect on you, while most online things are either for entertainment or something that is not immediate.  Especially when you’re on-call – after all, work is what keeps the bills paid!

The distinction blurs though in my opinion when real people are involved.  A WoW raid team is more like a sports hobby team than a bunch of guys getting together to shoot the shit.  If you don’t show up, it’s not just you, but 9 or more other people that are affected, that are just as real as you despite their distance.  In the same vein, my dragoness owns my heart fully, and whether she’s by my side or several hundred miles away doesn’t matter in that respect.  I’m still hers, and she still has the same place in my life as any other guy’s girlfriend would have in his.

A second layer though then adds on to this: lost opportunities.  Every moment we live, we’re deciding to do one thing, and losing the opportunity to do something else.  Every tick of the clock, another slice of our time in this world spent.  Tock, a doorway closes and another opens.  When we choose to do something, we’re giving up whatever else we could have done.  So, opportunities that may not come again should have priority, as once it’s gone, it’s gone.

Looking at tonight as an example, while my dragoness is important to me, we could wander the Faire just as easily tomorrow as today, as far as I am aware.  Raid night is every week, but with dropping my sub  I probably won’t be running this stuff with these guys for a while.  On the other hand, if it’s something I’m not interested in running, like Cata content, I’d much rather be with my dragoness instead.  In other words, this time there’s no easy answer, and there won’t always be either.

I don’t really have anything else to add, so I’ll leave it at that, and see how things work tonight.  Tomorrow might be a better night anyways, as we have a couple gigs tonight with maybe an hour between them, but we’ll see!

 

An Adult Touch

Well, the piece of adult art I was waiting for has been finished, and no I won’t be posting it here.  It has been posted in my art galleries though, if anyone is interested in it.

It brings to mind some interesting discussion, however; one that I’m still having with myself, to some extent.  Why adult art?  Should  I share it or not?  Is it liberating, demeaning, or something else?  Does it trivialize how I feel about myself if I’m having art created flashing the goods to all and sundry? How does it compare to clean art?

To answer the first question, my dragon self is myself.  For me, it encompasses every aspect of my being, which, yes, does include the sexual parts as well.  If I were to somehow become my dragon self, I wouldn’t suddenly be sexless, and so it makes a sort of sense to explore that as well.

I feel I should probably clarify here as well.  Yes, I am straight, and attracted to human women.  Yes, I know dragons don’t exist physically currently.  If they suddenly did, no I wouldn’t want to go make out with one, especially if they weren’t sentient.  Now, if I had become a dragon too, through whatever had brought them into being?  In that case, all bets are off.

I’d guess I really started thinking about it back when I had a dragonkin girlfriend for a short while.  Suffice it to say that before we broke up we explored our draconity with each other and leave it at that.  Either way, certain, ah, body parts were involved, which meant I had to explore that side and figure out what I had down there.  And then of course, when I finally got a reference sheet drawn, it seemed a natural step to get an adult version as well as a clean version, just in case I ever needed it.  After all, in the end it’s just another part of my body like any other.

Of course after I got the reference sheets, it was years before I actually got any further art, in large part due to monetary constraints.  When I started getting pictures again, I found myself debating this topic once more.  In large part, I was considering getting an adult piece from Asyd, but I wanted to see how I’d look in her style first, hence the picture I did actually get.  I do have to admit I was also a bit uncertain about getting one done in general, but I did like the way her style works with those.

When I saw how busy she actually was though, I gave up on the idea for a bit – at least until my muse slapped me upside the head with an image I wanted to see done.  With her off the table, I had to go artist shopping again to find one who had a style I liked and was available.  The first artist I found actually was otherwise occupied, but shortly after Syrinoth opened up and I jumped on it in time to snag the slot.

It was a bit longer wait than I expected, but the end picture was worth it, and then I was faced with whether to share it or not.  Just like in the picture, where I had mixed feelings on showing “myself” off(and he did a great job on the expression to show this!), I had the exact same feelings on putting the picture itself out there.  Especially as there are a few folk who know me elsewhere who watch my FA, and I wasn’t sure what they’d think of it.

In the end, I decided to run with it(as I’m expecting it to show up in the artist’s gallery as well at some point), but with a disclaimer not to expect a lot of adult art, as I have mixed feelings on it in general.  I do know I will be getting at least one more piece though, as my muse spoke up again with another picture idea that I need to make a reality, though it will probably be a while as the artist I’m looking to have draw it is busy with school currently.

Part of what inclines me towards it is I think I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak, and this is a “safe” way to indulge that. Kinda ironic, given how shy I can be at times.. or maybe it’s because of that?  That same shyness though is what disinclines me to sharing it publically in any fashion.  If I followed that train of thought however, what would I do with it?  My potential future girlfriend isn’t ‘kin or a furry, as far as I know, and it’s not like I’d want to put it up on my walls anywhere.  Art that isn’t being viewed is art that is wasted, and  I wouldn’t want good art to be lost to the void, whatever the content.  Thus, the posting of this, and the one I have in the queue.

Another thing to note though is I am far from alone in this.  There are many, many dragons out there who have gotten adult art of themselves, or of themselves and a friend/mate mounting or being mounted.  They’re proud of their draconic forms(as I am) and aren’t afraid to show it off.  In some cases, it also acts as a proxy too; a way to express themselves and perform in ways they are unable to in the real world for various reasons.  In other cases, it’s merely a release or an ego boost for them, for similar reasons to those of some people that have mass amounts of one-night-stands. (Honestly, this is the artistic equivalent.)  And in yet others, it’s just a way to show to the world how they feel about each other(as in the case of a pair of dragon artists I’ve mentioned in previous entries).

In my case, I’ve gotten art from most of the artists I wanted art from, so now it’s just waiting for when my muse prods my brain with an image to make real, whether adult or otherwise.  However, since it is me in those pictures, there’s not going to be any art of myself making out with anyone else, unless it’s someone I care deeply about and they actually want such art done.  Whatever my faults and sexual inclinations, one thing I am is loyal to whomever holds my heart.  Even if they didn’t care, to me it’d feel like a betrayal if I were to get art of myself “laying” with anyone else’s characters.

On top of that, I’ve never felt any inclination to make up a character for myself to “play” with, as it’d feel just as fake as the various “waifus” some crowds will fawn over.  The closest I’ve ever come to that is a couple stories I wrote where I had characters being dangerously close to self-inserts(I’m sure given that information any readers could probably pick out which ones too.), but in the end those were still just characters, not a true avatar of myself.

I’m sure there will be some folks though who will still think I’m debasing myself, and to them I say pfff. Humans(and that includes draconic humans!) are by nature sexual creatures and being ashamed of that is like being ashamed of liking meat- if that’s your thing, go for it! Does it matter what you like or do, if it hurts no one else?  Of course, I’m sure there’s someone out there now who found my picture and is busy fantasizing about it, but that’s their problem and as long as they don’t get all up in my face, it’s all on them.  I’m not on the hunt for a mate anymore, as I have someone I care about now, so it’s not like I’m flashing myself to get companions or lovers.  I’m just… er… letting it all hang out?

Finally, there is something nice about getting art of oneself in general, no matter the content.  It’s like taking another piece of that innermost self and bringing it into the real world, as much as one can at least.  I guess one way to put it is that it’s like a selfie of the soul.  It encapsulates a moment, a emotion, a feeling, and reveals it to the world.  It sucks you in, and lets you live for a brief instant as what you truly are.  The clean art lets me express the more public aspects of my dragon self, while the adult ones reveal the more personal, more instinctual desires and needs that are still just as much a part of me as any other.

I am not speaking for all ‘kin, or even a large portion, but for me, that’s what the art means to me.  That’s what pushed me to follow through on my muse’s urgings and my personal inclinations..  It’s just another expression of my multifaceted self, and the dragon at the core of my very being.

And no, I’m still not going to post the aforementioned adult art here.  If you really want to find it, you should be able to on your own, and I’d prefer to leave my blog work-safe, even if it gets a bit risque at times(like now).

Now to wait for more commissions to open…

Spring 2014 /m/ season a.k.a. stuff I’m watching

A bunch of series I had been following all wrapped up end of last season, but only a few new ones started.  It makes for a good time to try and catch up on the massive backlog I’ve built up.  The only problem is it’s mostly older toku, so I need to be in the right mood to watch it

Captain Earth

2 episodes out so far and it’s a fairly entertaining and fairly typical Super Robot show. The characters aren’t annoying, and even better, it’s all hand-drawn so there’s no sudden 3D taking you out of the moment.  I’d thrown a lot of technobabble at us though, but most of it seems like stuff that’ll be explained later.

Kamen Rider Gaim

This actually started last year, and looks to be wrapping up by the end of summer.  A very good series reminiscent of the early Heisei Kamen Rider series.  You wouldn’t think fruit samauri karate bugmen would be something that you could get a serious series out of, but this has done it well, without going over the edge into grimderp.

Garo: Makai no Hana

The 4th season or series on the Garo universe, this one is following the son of the main character from the first two seasons.  Well, he seems like he’s supposed to be but they have yet to officially state it.  After last year’s Garo season that deviated rather heavily in style and other factors, this one is feeling a lot more like the original series so far.  Unlike the other two above, I think it’d be better to watch the previous seasons/series as that explains and sets up a lot fo the world, and this so far seems like it expects you to be somewhat familiar with it already.  Not to a heavy extent, but enough that it’d explain a lot of things otherwise that you may not get.

Oddly enough, that’s pretty much it for this season, apart from Shin Ultraman Retsuden, which is waaaay behind on subs currently.  I’d thought this would be a bit meatier before I actually started writing.  Ah well, it is what it is!